Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
