awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
as a side note pls kill me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
