the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
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I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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