i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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