I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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