Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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