this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you had me at cake vodka
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
