the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
