so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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