If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Acid is not a monday night drug
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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