Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
