I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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