First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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