I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
