he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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