he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
