omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
