she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
