I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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