As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
