He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
