Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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