I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
