Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am midnight drunk by noon
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
