The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I want a musical about memes.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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