Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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