i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
