Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
