No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
