I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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