i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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