don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
