it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
