I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
