You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
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I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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