ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
