My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
