Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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