i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
