So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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