I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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