My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
