He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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