Welp...herpes.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
last night I used snow as a chaser
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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