me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
