She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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