before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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