theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
