Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
