My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
