Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
