FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
