Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
