For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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