im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
