I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
