how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
