Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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