Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
