I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
