i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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